- Catherine, you are a lawyer by training. How did you become a etiquette coach?
- Immediately correct: I'm not a coach for etiquette, but a specialist. The coach is the highest step in the hierarchy of people involved in this business. A specialist is a person who understands etiquette and advises on the rules of good form, one-off or periodically at the request of the client (a course of several classes). I can call myself a coach when I study at the European School of Etiquette. Coaches on etiquette in Russia can be counted on the fingers. However, many do not think about the hierarchy and call themselves coaches - everyone's business.
And I started to learn etiquette for myself, just woke up one day, and this word spins in my head. I began to read everything on the Internet that came across, but quickly passed this stage - the knowledge was sketchy and there was no confidence in the sources. I bought books, and it became boring again - there were no experts on good manners among the authors. This is after I came across one book. I decided that it would be great to go somewhere to study, graduated from the Faculty of Law of Tomsk State University and went to Moscow for my first courses in etiquette. British and French etiquette I studied at the International School of Etiquette, the Austrian Higher School of Etiquette and the Center for Effective Communications of Ivan Artishevsky. I also have a mentor - it is necessary to become an etiquette coach. I dream about this day.
"Do you remember your first student?"
- It was a group of wedding organizers. After 3 months after training with trembling knees, I went out to the first training group. The fear was frantic. I wanted to come up with any excuse that I was hit by a tram, that I fell ill, just not to go to class. I am a very critical person to myself, it seemed to me that I had done everything wrong, but to my surprise and joy the responses were good. When knowledge becomes many, there is a natural desire to share them, and if it turns out, you understand that this is your vocation. This is cool! I decided to become a specialist in etiquette, because I like to make people better, help them develop. A man who has rules of good taste can not help but notice, he stands out in society.
- What do you teach the listeners? What kind of "ailments" are they turning to you?
- Here is the usual message: "Catherine, hello. I would like to undergo individual training. So that only I and that nobody saw me and did not know at all that ... ". People are ashamed to admit that they do not know something: how to behave, how to use instruments and other subtleties. I declare authoritatively: there is nothing "like" in this. Education is not equal to etiquette. If you do not know how to eat pasta, this does not mean that you are uncultured, illiterate, impolite, and so on. This means that you do not yet know this. Till. You are not bad, and your parents are not bad.
- By the way, how is there any pasta?
- There are two ways, and experts argue which is better. True, the most real and correct - there is one device, a fork. But few people in Russia are used, like the Italians, to eat pasta from infancy. It is believed that in Italy only children, tourists and elderly people take in the hand a spoon for pasta. But the rules are changing, and today recognized spaghetti connoisseurs also use a spoon. We hold the spoon in the left hand, the fork in the right, in exceptional cases it is possible to change the instruments in places. Modern etiquette does not prohibit eating two appliances.
- And what other insidious dishes are there in terms of etiquette?
- A hen. Especially the legs and wings. The bird that is eaten in every house in the restaurant can drive into the paint. In institutions, we must eat appliances, separating the flesh from the bone, cutting the meat from the bone to the maximum. In general, any meat on a bone with instruments is not easy, especially since at home we do it rarely. If you can eat a dish with one fork - eat with a fork. If you started two cutlery - eat two, not postponing. At the same time, the best training is at home.
Fruits are also complex products, according to etiquette fruits also need to be eaten by appliances. More desserts like meringues, "Pavlova" - those that crumble, and fish - we are not used to eating fish entirely with the help of a fish knife, at first it will be difficult. By the way, a salad with large leaves and arugula can also be embarrassing.
- About education. At what age should good manners be taught? Do you work with children?
- Parents are the second largest group of listeners. I deal with children older than seven years. Sometimes, parents ask to work with a child of 4-5 years, in this case I propose to conduct a lesson with adults, so that in a daily situation they familiarize the child with the rules of good taste by their own example. The best teachers for a small child are his parents, and the best age, whatever one may say, is 3-4 years. As a rule, moms and dads understand that change begins with herself, and before teaching her child, it would be nice to make etiquette a normal rule. The child should not just hear, but also see everything clearly, with the example of his parents. Etiquette - this is not a dry rule, not some rules that people are fettered on the hands and feet.
I am learning to remain myself, but do not forget about tact, courtesy, attentiveness, restraint. Do not block emotions, namely restraint. I'm not Mary Poppins, I'm a living person who knows how good the rules are, how they are universal and help out in unfamiliar situations.
- Did you say that parents are the second largest audience? And who needs etiquette most of all?
- First of all, people in the business sphere. They need to meet the high status of their position. They understand that manners will tell a person better than any presentation. At the table they do not say: "I took a training in etiquette," but a person who practices and applies knowledge of etiquette is easily recognized by confidence in the use of appliances, napkins, and the ease of behavior. If a person mechanically follows etiquette, his brain is occupied only with business thoughts. Generally, people from 20 to 45 years old come to study. There are more women than men.
- For how long can I learn the rules of good tone?
- You can read the book and remember. The question is, how quickly will you start using knowledge? To apply the rules, you need to remember them every day. Someone takes two months, others - a year. I have been engaged in etiquette since 2013 and to this day master the rules. You can find out information for one master class, but the coach's task is fulfilled when the rules become the norm of life. Manners are good when natural.
- Now everything is natural: natural childbirth, eco-nutrition. There are communities of advocates of open breastfeeding who believe that there is nothing better for the child, and the naturalness of the process will not offend anyone. What does etiquette say about this?
- There is no special rule. I'll say: "Not recommended." I witnessed a case when a woman was breastfeeding in a restaurant, and this was not liked by another guest. The administrator had to ask Mom to stop feeding. This case shows that, despite all the arguments about the naturalness of the process, not everyone is pleased and it is necessary to see how the infant feeds.
- And what do you think about conversations on the mobile in transport? The negotiators are not interested in passengers, whether they want to know "about the Petrovs frankly" and some other news of strangers. Is this also a violation of borders? How long can you talk on the mobile in public transport?
- I believe that you can not talk at all on the mobile in public transport and surrounded by people, especially if it is not a work environment, but we are sitting in a restaurant or walking with a friend. The only thing I can do is say: "Sorry, I can not talk right now. Can I call you back in 30 minutes? "Or" Call me back, please, in 30 minutes, if it's convenient for you, unfortunately now it's not very convenient to talk ". It is possible more shortly: "Excuse, now it is inconvenient for me to talk, I will be in 10 minutes". Some small explanation can be given. If I understand that the call is suffering, I just turn off the sound and call back later. Because no one is interested in listening to what I'm talking about. People go about their business, and information pollution, of course, annoying.
- And how many can wait for messages on social networks? There are laws of good manners on the Internet? Or in terms of etiquette there is weightlessness?
- It is desirable to respond to the message within 24 hours. If you opened the message, but you can not answer right away, at least in the nearest hour, write that you can not answer now, but you will be able to do it for such a time. If the correspondence is business, then we forget about the smileys, we follow the syllable. We always re-read the messages, verify the spelling. Literacy and correctness are also needed on pages in social networks, because an open profile is not a private space at all. Your page can be viewed when hiring, for example, HR or security.
- You said that women are more interested in etiquette than men. I propose a female blitz. Question one: how to get dressed for a date?
- Let's first find out if there will be a date? If the invitation for the weekend was received on Thursday, Friday or day in day, then, like a real lady, a woman should answer: "I already have plans." Because the offer must come at least three days in advance. Especially if we are talking about the beginning of a relationship. The first date is like laying the foundation, the moment when we designate the boundaries in relations with ourselves. The same in clothes. You will wear a blouse with a deep neckline and a high heel - do not be surprised if a friend behaves bolder than you might have guessed. Come in a sports suit - do not be discouraged if there is no second meeting. I think it's appropriate to have a restrained romantic style: a dress just below the knee and shoes on a steady heel. Wildly high heels and a pencil skirt will immobilize and spoil the city's walk.
- What kind of drinks to order?
- I do not consider a glass of white or red wine terrible to accompany a dinner. One glass. Not more. A glass of water - 100%. To meat or fish - a glass of wine.
- Can I kiss on the first date?
- As a specialist in etiquette, I do not recommend it. The boundaries are boundaries, the foundation is the foundation. Have supper, walk, look at the stars and go home. It will not be worse.
- How to behave as a guest of a man's parents? What to talk about? Are there taboo themes?
- Behavior should characterize you as an individual. Be attentive, restrained, tactful and punctual. In the first meeting the parents of a man for you are unfamiliar people. You do not know their temperament, their reactions to your statements and thoughts, so feel the situation. If you do not know what to tell, ask a question about sports, cinematography, books, art, cultural life of the city, scientific achievements, weather, nature, food, institutions. Talk about common anti-conflict topics.
In person, you make a first impression, even if you have already been told about. If you come to a family dinner home in a mini-skirt or in a bandage dress with gathered hair and evening make-up, it will be at least strange. Relevance is the golden rule. Keep your posture and smile, smile, by the way, is often underestimated, and she is your wand-rescue. Think about a minimal scenario, a dozen questions. And be sincere.
- Well, finally, what books on etiquette you recommend to read?
- "A complete set of rules for secular and business communication" by Tatyana Belousova. There is also the book of the founder of the Washington School of Protocol, Dorothy Johnson and Liv Tyler. "Do not put the smartphone on the table. Rules of etiquette that will help you always be on top. " There are many good moments, I like how the rules are laid out, but the American treatment. In some moments it differs from the English and French etiquette, which is followed in Russia. I also advise "365 rules of etiquette, which are useful for knowing every child" Cheryl Eberly. Before buying a book, google: "Who is this author? Is he a specialist in etiquette? Where did he study? What is his education? "Check is a good habit.